I haven't posted in awhile. Not out of necessity, because I know I could wax poetic over nothing, but I haven't had much of a desire, I've been stressed, busy, and just not been feeling it. I'm trying to refeel it. I've been trying to feel lately. I think it's something I've been lacking in lately. All the physical things I've been going thru have taken a huge toll on my emotional well being.

In an attempt to conquer some of my fears, I did something I never thought I'd do. Yesterday, I learned some things from one of my students...



I didn't like the shotgun. The 9mm was my favorite (I shot a 40? also.. to me a 40 is a wattage on a bulb or ounces of beverage LOL) He set the targets up, they were the human looking ones, and the first clip I fired, I hit all my shots on the human part of the target; woo, go me. I'm still a little afraid of it, so I'll have to at least do it once more.

School is on summer break #1 this week.. figures that it's going to rain ALL week long.. bah!

It's been a whirlwind few days... jeez, I thought I was going to explode Thursday. Here I was, not feeling well, car packed for the airport. We head to the airport for the last flight out (odd the very last flight out of here on Delta is at 5:20 in the afternoon) I let Charlie off at the door with our bags and my massage table. I park in long term parking, way way out. I get to the ticket counter and he's there waiting to check in. Delta wanted $190 each way to fly my table... ummm no, the tickets were $400, the table was $400, why would I pay $380 to fly it there and home? Charlie lugged it back to the car... so after we got check in, my table BACK to the car, we head upstairs. I grabbed a bottle of water because "the latte machine was broke" at the coffee shop (funny, I always just assumed all coffee places had an espresso maker.. I've never actually heard of a latte maker, it must be some new-fangled contraption I don't know about, or perhaps the girl was a complete and utter dumbass.... yeah, I'm leaning more towards the latter) ANYWAY... they call out flight, we board, get settled, I have my obscure happy moment when I meet with an airplane seat and seatbelt for the first time in almost 2 years, and we sit. Everyone gets settled, the doors close and then we wait, and wait... finally the captain comes on and says that we are having problems with the nose wheel steering, we'll all have to deplane while it's being worked on; it's starting to near 6, our connecting flight in Atlanta was at 8:50. We sit and wait, and wait.. some of the businessmen were starting to get antsy, because it was the last flight out, and it looked as if we were being grounded. People started rushing the gate desk, and Charlie decided to go smoke, and I sat with the bags... I sat and sat, talked on the phone, sent some texts, played some Bejeweled. There was some activity by the gate, and I sent Charlie a message letting him know, but he was still on the other side of security, which, now was apparently CLOSED??? I walked over to the desk, waited my turn and asked the probability of getting out of the city, she said it wasn't looking good... I mentioned that Charlie was on the other side of security, and the gate chick told me, quite snottily that it wouldn't matter if there was a plane or not for him, because security was closed, he couldn't come back into the gate area.. umm WHAT??? We would have to fly tomorrow.. Umm WHAT?? I had to be in St. Pete by 11, and nothing, save the 5am flight would get me into Tampa, bags, car, ad nauseum to get me to where I needed to be with enough time to get there... frustration and tears erupted. Not only was I feeling like ass, I was told that even if there was a plane, I basically couldn't fly (I wasn't going to go without him, and I had the car keys, I don't think that he wanted to spend the night at the airport) even if we could get to Atlanta in time, there was little to no chance of making the connecting flight. I called Charlie again, we talked.. I vented. I had to ask for the bag twice before someone went and got it off the plane (it wasn't the only bag they had to retrieve) Finally got the bag around 6:45, made a quickie stop at the house to pick up my laptop and about 10 other things that I brought just because I could, and we drove to Tampa.... we got on the road about 7:30, stopped for a quick sleep in Lake City around 2am, got up and finished the drive, rolling into St Pete around 10:30am. Stef met us at their place, gave Charlie a key, he and I grabbed a quick bite at Skyway Jack's and I headed out for my class...

It ended up being a good trip, although the beginning was definitely rocky. I wish I'd had more time for social things, perhaps next time we won't be as pressed for time. I know we'll go back in December (there's a cervical class I want to take that's 2 of 4 in this series, then I'll be halfway done getting the hours for a NMT certification)

I'm really quite tired of being sick. Leif came by the other day before he found out he has viral pneumonia as well as strep... now I have fever, feel like general shit, achey and just general blah, my lymph nodes are all sorts of swollen, some to the point of being painful to the touch. My birthday was a complete waste of a day because I did nothing but cry the entire day (with the exception of the 3 hours I was teaching) - I started getting achey that evening too. Normally, I'd just take it easy, but, alas, we're supposed to fly to Tampa this evening because I'm taking a CEU this weekend (NeuroMuscular Therapy, torso and pelvis) I just hope I feel well enough to do it tomorrow.. I'm trying to take it easy and do natural type remedies. Water every hour, some herbs, rest.. I really don't want to fool with going to PriMed

I'm starting to feel on the right side of human... and by right, I mean correct. The iron infusion went, thankfully, without much incident. I had a little bone pain yesterday, but it was minimal (well minimal enough that I could trudge forward without too much whining on my end).

I picked up some new things (for me) at the store last night, and I'm going to give it a scouts go and see about really getting a better handle on my eating. This week I'm trying papaya, black grapes, blueberries and black cherries, (the papaya is really the only *new* thing) I've also picked up some yogurt for some of this said fruit so I can have it in the mornings... breakfast, my most neglected meal. I think a gradual change here and there will be better for me than just a huge fruit basket turnover with my way of eating and food choices. I've been reading and working from this book (which, Lissa, it has a nice aromatherapy section) I'm really starting to think that there's a happy medium between Eastern and Western health philosophies...

My birthday is Tuesday, I had thought that I was going to throw some people together this weekend, it just didn't happen that way. 40 has been a very strange year. I've figured some things out, I moved twice, I finally finished something I started, I got back into the workforce, I've learned to like myself, I've learned how to open my heart and mind, I'm learning what I want and what I don't want.... it's been a bumpy ride, perhaps 41 won't be AS bumpy

If there is one person or more on your friends list who makes your world a better place just because they exist and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.

These ulcers are going to be the death of me.. actually I think being evicerated would make me generally feel better

I go Friday for my lovely 2.5 hour iron infusion, good times. The bleeding from my not so common esophageal ulcers (the ones that can lead to esophageal cancer and all sorts of scary stuff that I'm dealing with alone) is a likely helper to me being as anemic as I am.. it's a wonder I can walk around it's that low.

I've been down the past 2 days with this latest bout, I actually feel a little human today, medicine heady since I took a lot last night (Benedryl, hydro) to make the pain subside long enough for me to get a little sleep

I think I've talked to this Tech Support guy...

Just as soon as you think you have things figured out, something comes along and throws a monkey wrench in the works and makes you question every thing you've thought or done

It makes me sad, I cry, and then I start thinking of other people in my life, and some of the things that they are going thru right now, and that too makes me cry. I'm not really one for addressing people in my posts (or maybe I am, hell.. I've done it before just not in awhile) but I have a few things to say

alfabet126, my heart is completely broken for you... I know you're not reading right now because you have so much going on... it was just Friday we were talking about how worried you were about her. I'm really sorry you didn't get to spend a lot of time with her before Saturday morning. If I had a clue as to where I was going, I'd come up for the funeral...

M, if you're reading.. I'm sorry you are going thru all you are too. Things will eventually get better, sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. My few words of wisdom probably don't mean dick though. Life is going to go on regardless, make the best of the time you have on this rock. I would have added the lemons and lemonade cliche' but, it's a little too cliche'.

Mon petit chou, Il a pris 4 ans pour reconstruire toute la confiance et 2 minutes pour en détruire une grande partie. J'ai fait mal et vous agissez comme vous ne se soucient pas juste, et je ne sais pas que faire... Seulement vous pouvez le fixer, je ne peux pas ... et vous n'avez pas vraiment fait de sorte d'effort de l'essayer et fixer et cela me rend vraiment triste

L, you are one of the few people that actually have something right going on in your life. I'm proud of you how far you have come, and I'm glad you have finally found someone that grounds you and makes you happy. I hope you never lose that. Communication is so important, never lose that or take it for granted, without communication, everything else crumbles.

A, keep your chin up. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to. Remember karma is an important force of the universe, and you are the queen of karma.. all of the wrongs in your life seem to succumbed to the effects of karma, all of the people who have wronged you or hurt you all have succumbed to karma, you've seen it firsthand, it will happen again.

So my bloodwork results are in... I get to go have an iron infusion *sigh*

I'm working on the house, yay - there's pix on my Facebook (you might be able to get to them here)

I have nothing interesting to say

I feel boring as hell

and.. suffering from a touch of depression. I've actually just figured that out not too long ago, sadly I take a pill to combat that, but, alas, it can't fix everything. It does make me at least tolerable to be around.

It's Monday, and I'm lacking motivation. Figment is bathing in my lap, he'll stop occasionally to give me kitty kisses and a play bite. His issue is getting better, but it's not totally resolved. (he has a pooping problem. Well, it's more of a problem for me since I don't want him pooping on clothes and whatnot that get left on the floor in the bathroom)

My car (I say car, but it's a SUV) is at Toyota getting oil and whatnot done... here I sit, on my ass, thinking of all the things that I should be doing, but not. I think a big chunk of that is that I have so much TO do, I don't know where to start. It's going to be a hell of a yard sale whenever I get my act together...

We didn't win in city... we did manage to make it just past the point of no return, only to be swatted down. Poo. Charlie is still playing Aug 21-23, so I'm looking at flights for the 20-24th. It's just a little difficult trying to work around my work schedule for that day. I don't finish up class until 2:30, and the best scenario flight (other than the one at noon that is definitely out) would be the 3:35.. the 5:30 won't get us in until after 10:30pm, and after getting bags and the car, then checking into the hotel it'll be midnight or later getting into the room, and if he's got to start bright and early the next morning... well, that could be a bad thing. I still haven't fully committed to going.. I'd like to find a class or something to do with my time (hell I could always play in the minimanias...) because I don't want to be stuck in the middle of gambling central, unsure of my self control. I've gone to a casino in small doses, i.e. I've given myself a time limit and stayed in those bounds but it's a little different actually being immersed into it. I haven't been to a casino in, geez, almost 2 years now. I have a gambling problem, I'm aware of this. I've tried hard to deal with it and correct it, and I feel like I've done a damn fine job in doing so.

I reckon I need to shower, hopefully my car will be ready by noon, like they said, but, alas, they are so not spot on on their estimates, at least as far I've found. It looks like a pretty day, so I'm hoping to get back in the sun later...

It's 8 ball city this weekend... if we win, we get to play in Vegas in August.

9 Ball city is in 2 weeks

I really don't have anything of real interest to say. I've been playing Farkle like it's going out of style... if you like a Yatzee type game, I highly recommend it... it's so completely addictive (and I just grabbed it for my IPhone too)

I had a client yesterday afternoon, I have two today. I got my first paycheck in 6 years yesterday. THAT was weird... cool, but odd. It doesn't actually FEEL like I have a job. I don't feel like I'm doing work. It's just somewhat odd for my head to wrap around.

I need to spend some time with Amy soon, she's been going thru a LOT and we haven't had a chance to sit in talk in awhile. Her oldest just graduated and she's going to be going off to school, she's got problems with her significant other of 4 years... she needs to vent. Perhaps tomorrow or some point this weekend we can have a few hours at the 'Bucks. Now that I'm out of school and have time for people, I need to reintergrate myself with my friends.

Really, nothing going on. Buddy woke me up this morning, so I immediately took a Prevacid, then it came right back up... I had a Pepcid AC and stayed up and it's seemed to quell itself (so I probably didn't need the coffee) and I seem to be ok now... glad I finally found a detour on the sick route. It's sad when I HOPE that the endoscopy shows an ulcer.. I have this fear of it being something more serious.

I have to get dressed and head out east shortly, mom wanted me to pick up a VS gift card for a birthday gift, so I need to do that. No sun for me today since, well, it's overcast and we're expected to have 2 inches of rain in the next few days, so I reckon I'll do some retail therapy (something I really DON'T need to do, but what the hell right...)

We tried to watch Angels & Demons last night... I'd picked it up from the guy that comes into TBR, I figured $5 was a good investment since that means I didn't have to find it, download it and burn it... unfortunately with things like that, the picture is good; it looks somewhat like a VHS picture, but the sound is what's so horrid. We got about 20 minutes into it and had to turn it off because neither of us could follow what was going on. We ended up watching Taken and that was really good.

Weekend is shaping up to be a quiet one. I've expressed my interest in stoking up the smoker and doing some sort of butt or another brisket, and having a few peoples over to do the eating thing, but sometimes it's like talking to a wall, so who knows. He's been busy this week, I'm not making excuses, just stating fact...

I've been up since around 6:30... it started with a feeling like I'd swallowed something akin to Ayers Rock... I ended up eating a Prevacid and then a Pepcid AC, it's better, just not 'normal' (yeah and I'm sure the coffee isn't helping either but damnit I wanted coffee...) I go for the scope a week from today.. I'm nervous but ready. I'm so tired of this crap I could just scream.

We won last night 56/44, hopefully tonight will be good too...

Nothing really planned for the weekend. Mom's best friend is coming up from Panama City. I told Charlie that the house was still relatively clean (GASP!) from last weekend, and that we could do something small, if he was up for doing meat (he can work on his smoking powers... (that butt and brisket were tasty last weekend) I can throw some sides together... nothing definite, but we'll see.

I'm finally getting my toes done today, I've had to cancel the last two appointments because of Buddy (mom named my stomach ailment), and if the weather stays nice, I'm going to plop my booty at full360degrees's pool this afternoon.

I've got everything booked for the trip to Tampa next month. I'm taking a NeuroMuscular Therapy class the 26th-28th, concentrating on the torso and pelvis... Stef's offered for us to stay with them, so we'll do that. It's a 3 days class (9-5 too) so I'll be able to hang out with them in the evenings. It should be fun, I'm looking forward to it. My first CEU class... I'm looking at another one in Panama City at the end of July.

I figure a few things out here and there, and then take 2 steps back. I guess it's the nature of the beast. It's a very long process, but I have figured a good deal about myself out.. at least a chunk of certain things that are really ingrained into my head; I'm trying to un-ingrain (yes I made that word up) some of it, because it's not who I want to be. I can at least recognize some of the behaviors that lead to things I don't like my head to do, and that's a huge step. If I can recognize it, it's the first step to changing it.

I still feel really REALLY grounded, which, is a good thing.

Wow, I don't know the last time I've slept past 10 on a non-sick day...

Last night was good, about 30-35 people showed, (even Patrick, wow). Not much was left (yay, finally I get the food to people ration perfect) and I think a good time was had by all. There's a pot a green beans left (ok so 6 pounds of green beans was about 3 pounds too many) and that's really all... 4 pounds of beef brisket, 8 pounds of butt, 10 chicken breasts and 4 pounds of sausage, 8 pounds of roasted new potatoes (and garlic) and 2 pans of my sausage mac and cheese... There's still most of the second key lime pie left and about 6 of the turtles I made (they were so good and SO easy... square pretzel (I used the Snyder's Butter Snaps) a Rollo on top, put that in a 350 oven for about 3 minutes take it out and press a toasted/salted pecan on top and let it set up..) I think Chris Moore ended up standing next to the plate and munchin hard on it.. he was really diggin them.

My stomach is sorta iffy today, I feel like I have a gnawing feeling right under my ribs. I probably shouldn't be drinking coffee either, but it's what was sounding good... gotta pick the 'rents up for lunch here in about a half hour too. Mom had wanted to come have leftovers, since, I usually overprepare and have a ton left. I called her and let her know that everything went better than planned and we would have to go out (which, she was good with), so she's picked Chilli's... I haven't eaten there in awhile.

My house is relatively clean, I just need to finish cleaning up the kitchen. Maybe I need to have a beer fridge cleaning party. (granted I need to see what disarray the beer fridge is in, last night it was slam full) It's raining... that kind of rain I want to go sit in. Lazy rain, thinking rain. Just that steady falling, let it wash over you... I do my best thinking around water, I used to take off to the beach when I was younger, just to sit, watch the water and think...

So, another week, another 2 days lost.. ugh 4th time since the first week of April, with this whatever it is... 2 days of throwing up every 2 weeks, so... I'm headed to Birmingham to see my Bariatric surgeon. I figured I'd start with him. Good thing about going up there, I can hit Whole Foods (the only one we have in the state)

Even with being down most of the week, I managed to take mom for treatment, prep for and make it into work yesterday, then hit Bruno's and Costco for stuff for Saturday's cookout, and I came home and just kinda died on the couch. I'd started a roast in the crockpot before I went to get mom and Charlie threw together some dilled green beans (he tried at least) and some biscuits... I was able to keep down about 2oz of meat, a few bites of beans and a half a biscuit. I have a fair amount of pain right around my xyphoid process (the bottom of your sternum, or breastbone) and my esophagus is all torn up from overworking things the wrong way.... so popsicles have been my friend.

I still need to get a butt, I'll do that when we get back. Charlie's going to smoke a butt, and a beef brisket, then grill chicken and sausage. I'm doing roasted garlic potatoes, green beans, kicked up sausage mac n cheese, fruit salad and some sort of pie (I'm thinking key lime, but I might do one key lime, one choccy) - it's the first cookout of the season, so I like to do it up. The den needs work, I need to put my table up and clear off the table in the Florida room (aka right now as the munchie/appetizer table in my head) so people can munch while they play... I just hope it stays dry so my smokers don't have to get wet, but we need to pull the umbrella out anyway, just in case

I hate feeling like I'm rushed, but, thankfully I'm good under pressure; I just go a little crazy sometimes and can get snappy and focused. That's me. I'm owning it.

Star Trek

Yeah... it's good

really good

and I wasn't a huge nerd about the original series, I liked some of the later things, (Next Gen, Enterprise) I've seen the movies and have a general working knowledge of the characters. Casting did an awesome job, the effects were definitely big screen action. There were parts that made me giggle, parts that made me sit in awe, parts that made me think of pieces of myself...

Now we head to Leif's. This ought to be interesting, a cookout where I know absolutely no one except Charlie and Leif. Hell, I have never even met his wife!!

Yay for trying new things.